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Complete Coverage of Jason Alexander's (fake) interview with GCP after signing with Pokerstars:
JA: Oh you're here.
GCP: Yes. surprised?
JA: I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
GCP. Okay. Well, first off congratulations, many successful players strive to get the type of sponsorship deal you've just landed with Pokerstars. With you newfound fame how will that change your strategy of going out early and often in tournaments?
JA: Well, I will still bust early, that's a given, but I do I have a couple of strategies at the table. To make sure nobody capitalizes on the genius that was my final table experience on Celebrity Poker...
GCP: Weren't they one table tournaments?
JA: You say one table, I say final table. Anyway, as I was saying, I will introduce myself not as George... er... Jason Alexander but Art, Art Van De Lay. I will throw them off the scent of my genius even further by saying I am either an Architect or an Importer/Exporter.
GCP: Isn't that George's bit from Seinfeld?
JA: Table Image is about developing a character at the table, and then living it. If I may continue...
GCP: Please...
JA: At times, I will confuse both myself and my opponents by saying I am focusing more on the exporting side of things and then switch to focusing on the importing. If it can expose my friend as a liar to my wife even better. I will use this tactic with discretion because a George divided against itself, cannot stand.
GCP: Of course not. But your name is Jason.
JA: Method Acting. It isn't just for the cameras, my friend, it's also for the tables. AGAIN, if I may continue. Other times I will simply say, My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live at my parents. If they sympathize or pity me great. Pity is very underrated. I like pity. It's good.
GCP: They might soft play you. Okay, that makes some sense. How about online where it's hard to make those kinds of relationships, what's your experience there?
JA: I did spend a great amount of time with computers in my parents basement, unfortunately I was not playing online poker I was trying to sell them... but I won't reveal that to my table. Another key strategy will be my decision to look annoyed all the time, people will think I'm busy.
GCP: How will that help...
JA: Do I look annoyed?
GCP: Yes
JA: Don't I look busy?
GCP: Maybe?
JA: Yes, I look busy and annoyed.
GCP: OK. How does that help in poker.
JA: A busy poker player is a dangerous one.
GCP: Ok.
JA: You heard of Phil Hellmuth?
GCP: Sure.
JA: He always looks busy.
GCP: He always looks annoyed.
JA: Exactly!
GCP: Is there anybody you look up to in poker?
JA: Well, Izzy "It's Go Time" Mandelbaum inspired me to continue playing even when completely outmatched and outclassed. Also, my childhood friend Lloyd Braun became an online superstar. He says his handle is Anette15 or something. He's good.
GCP: Is it me or aren't those characters from the TV show Seinfeld...
JA: It's not you... it's me.
GCP: ...
JA: ....
GCP: Jason...
JA: George.
GCP: Jason?
JA: George.
GCP: Ja...
JA: You are killing independent George!
GCP: ...
JA: Are you giving me the stink eye? Because the Jerk Store just called and they are all out of you.
GCP: No, I'm on your side. I'm sorry.
JA: You can stuff your sorries in a sack mister!
GCP: Really, I apologize.
JA: ...
GCP: really.
JA: You better be because George is getting upset!
GCP: Okay... George... let's move on.... Moving on. You must feel pretty special to join the roster that includes so many WSOP champions.
JA: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said, I'm not special.
GCP: Speaking of you mother what role did your parents play in inspiring you to become a... nominal poker player?
JA: Everything. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.
GCP: Now, that you are endorsed by an online site what do you think of the Clonie Gowen situation--where she is suing Full Tilt for lack of compensation? Is there a fear in you that deals in the industry aren't worth the paper they aren't written on?
JA: Clonie, is a fine looking woman. Crazy name but a fine looking woman. Let me tell you something about women, I've driven women to Lesbianism before but never to a mental institution. If Clonie, who's obviously lost it needs a ride, I'm here. I can drive. I'm a great driver and a great parker. Just remember the person backing up has the right to a spot.
GCP: Sure. Let's stay on poker though. Women on the table do they scare you?
JA: They are a lot of lesbians that play poker. They steal our girlfriends and our chips. It's not fair! I always get the feeling that when lesbians are looking at me they're thinking, that's why I'm not a heterosexual. As for women in general I've always had a way with women, a bad way, but a way. Look at this picture, I keep it in my wallet. It's a magazine model sure... but if you show a woman a picture of a hot model who you say was a girlfriend they think you are part of the club. You are desirable. Course sometimes you end up in a Meat Refrigerator but that's a different story.
GCP: Yes, it is. Let's stay on poker. Tournaments require a lot of stamina. What do you do to stay focused?
JA: I have a little trick when I get tired. Underneath the tables I have a little set up where I can take a nap if need be. I got a carpenter to set me up with everything.
GCP: Doyle Brunson seems to do just fine with the long days, do you really think a bed underneath a poker table is necessary?
JA: Let me tell you something about this Texas Pete, Texas Dolly guy. You ever been to the restroom during the break in a poker tournament? It's madness! MADNESS, I say! Well, I see Doyle on his little scooter going to the handicap bathroom. That's his secret. So I follow him to the bathroom one time, and I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.
So, this year I'm going handicapped. The guy that plays with his feet, you know the guy that has no arms. Man he's got it good. The WSOP will be well aware that I will have handicap access in the future. That's Doyle's secret. Plus, the parking is great.
GCP: Parking, again?
JA: Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free. Or just use a handicap sticker and park in front.
GCP: Isn't that a crime?
JA: My back hurts, I'm half-handicap anyway, I'll just be getting the recognition for it. The World Series will give me my own personal rascal.
GCP: It's nice to know you are going straight to hell at three miles an hour.
JA: Funny GUY!
GCP: You want to know why your back hurts it's because of your wallet. It's huge.
JA: This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.
GCP: Well, your friend is morbidly obese.
JA: What?
GCP: I'm just saying it's a bad decision to have a wallet that big.
JA: Look. Every decision I have ever made in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I wanted to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, is it something to wear, something to eat, it's all been wrong.
GCP: Fine. How has life been after Seinfeld, poker seems to have become a hobby and now its a career?
JA: Have you seen any of my work since?
GCP: No.
JA: Okay, then. Poker was great. I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
GCP: And now you are not?
JA: No, as soon as I sign with Pokerstars, my poker mentor in not cashing big events Phil Gordon called on Howard Lederer's behalf and says "We have to talk."
GCP: The four worst words in the English Language.
JA: That, or "Who's bra is this?" So, since then I've been in tug of war, an emotional tug of war. Just when I think I'm out, they keep pulling me back in. You know I think the world of Phil. Once I even dated a girl that looked like Phil. Met her at a ladies only poker tournament.
GCP: You do know Phil and his buddy Rafe First used to dress like women to play in those.
JA: ... What. You know he is a good looking man. No! Forget I ever said that. I didn't say that. I am not a homosexual.
GCP: You know, thinking a man is attractive does not make you a homosexual.
JA: It doesn't help. Oh god.
GCP: What?
JA: It moved.
GCP: What?
JA: IT... moved.
GCP: I didn't see anything.
JA: I was in the pool! I was in the pool! It's cold. Okay it stopped.
GCP: I'm not looking anyway.
JA: Well, if I wasn't just in the pool and it moved you would have seen it move!
GCP: It's okay. Okay, where were we, so, FullTilt made their own offer
JA: Yeah, but I got the best deal. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
GCP: Cheapness is not a sense.
JA: What is this? I'm speechless. I have no speech.
GCP: You know most of this interview sounds familiar... too familiar. Do you really believe you are George Costanza? Isn't that all one big lie to yourself?
JA: It's not a lie if you believe it.
GCP: No, it's still a lie.
JA: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
GCP: Are you living a lie?
JA: I've been living like 20.
GCP: You feel better now?
JA: I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.